Welcome - willkommen!

Blogging in English und auf Deutsch.
English: A key topic of this blog certainly is Bullying, and what can be done against it.
Deutsch: Ein Kernthema dieses Blogs is ganz sicherlich Mobbing, und was dagegen getan werden kann.
E: There are still lots of other topics here, too - feel free to cruise around and take a look :-)!
D: Es gibt aber auch noch viele andere Themen - schaut Euch einfach um :-)!
E: I look forward to comments on my blog entries!
D: Ich freue mich über Kommentare zu meinen Blog-Einträgen!

In the banner picture: Libera.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

David Sylvian / Robert Fripp, DAMAGE

I found a way
By the sound of your voice
So many things to say
These are only words
Now I've only words
Once there was a choice

Did I give you much
While you gave me things
You gave me stars to hold
Songs to sing
I only want to be loved

And I hurt and I hurt
And the damage is done

You gave me songs to sings
Shadow and sun
Earthbound, starblind
Tied to someone

Why didn't I stay
Why couldn't I
So many lives to cross
Well I just had to leave
There goes everything

Can I meet you there
God knows the place
And I'll touch your hand
Kiss your face
We only want to be loved
We only want to be loved
I only want to be loved

And I hurt and I hurt
And the damage is done

You gave me songs to sing
Shadow and sun
Earthbound, starblind
Tied to someone


Monday, December 29, 2008

David Sylvian, RIDE

Messages ran all over town
Words without sound
Condemned me
And left me for dead
All over again
It wasn't the first time, but this time
Things will never be the same

Ride, ride the very thought into the ground
In the church of the lost and found
The angels cry
Ride, ride until the darkness closes in
Until the ravaged soul begins
To reflect the open skies, ride

The chapel was burned
Razed to the ground
From the darkest of clouds
Small birds tumbled like rain

Time and again
You may go charging at windmills
In these days
Absurdities never change

Ride, ride the very thought into the ground
In the church of the lost and found
The angels cry
Ride, ride until the darkness closes in
Until the ravaged soul begins
To reflect the open skies, ride

In the thick of the woods
The word is taboo
In the darkest of continents
Light can deceive you

Ride, ride the very thought into the ground
In the church of the lost and found
The angels cry
Ride, ride until the darkness closes in
Until the ravaged soul begins
To reflect the open skies, ride


Saddle up your thoughts and run to ground
In this world of lost and found
The eagle flies



Saturday, December 27, 2008


I'm waiting on the empty docks
Watching the ships come in
I'm waiting for the agony to stop
Oh, let the happiness in

I'm watching as the gulls all settle down
Upon the empty vessels
The faded whites of their wedding gowns
The songs of hopeless selflessness

The cold December Sun
A cold that blisters
The hands of a working man

I'm waiting on the empty docks
Watching the ships roll in
I'm waiting for the agony to stop
Oh, let the happiness in

Oh, let the happiness in
Oh, let the happiness in

Listen to the waves against the rocks
I don't know where they've been
I'm waiting for the sky to open up
And let the happiness in

Oh, let the happiness in
Oh, let the happiness in

'Cause it's coming
Coming home

Let the happiness in
Oh, let the happiness in

'Cause it's coming
Coming on, calling home

Oh, let the happiness in

'Cause it's coming, coming home

Oh, let the happiness in


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Enter the Story: Advent Conspiracy

Self explanatory. And so true.



Hey There Obama

And this is the video I'm talking about in

"Merry Christmas, Barack and Michelle - uhm ... do you remember Chaz?"

Enjoy :-)!



Merry Christmas, Barack and Michelle - uhm ... do you remember Chaz?

A special Merry Christmas video
for two very special people ...

During the presidential election campaign, Barack and Michelle wrote me SO many newsletter e-mails, always with important issues, and always with a warm "Michael ..." for starters - hey, that's something different than our German politicians, who are as distant as the moon to you, and more than often less interesting with what they stand for than a regular shoe!

Not so with Barack Obama, no Sir - intelligent speaker, charismatic and with goals and a vision that have first and foremost the people in mind! And what a stunning, heartwarming and competent First Lady ... kudos to you, Michelle! So: Here's my best wishes for you.

Let me combine these holiday greetings to this amazing couple with a small reminder of someone who supported their campaign in the most remarkable way:

who, in January 2008, wrote the lyrics for a song that won my heart in a landslide - mine and the ones of (since December 27th 2008) over 300,000 more viewers:

Written in school during class, receiving detention for not stopping to work on the verses and rhymes and mumbling them aloud, produced with youthful charm and tongue-in-cheek humour ... Great job, Chaz!

Already back in the end of July 2008, I made a shoutout and support video for Chaz, addressed to Barack, asking him to invite Chaz and grant him a personal Thank you:

Well, due to all the hustle and bustle of the election campaign, my idea simply couldn't be realized by you, Barack and Michelle. I understand that; no hard feelings.

But ... errhm, let's face it: Campaign's over, you've made it ... So: Why not say Thank you to Chaz now? He deserved it!

I leave the how, where and when to you ... surprise me :-)!

I look forward to seeing a video of the event here on YouTube.

Best of best wishes from Germany,



If you, dear readers of this blog, share my opinion,

please tell Barack and Michelle so by showing them my video - share it with

Barack and Michelle Obama

Thanks :-)!


You aren't registered at YouTube yet
and therefore can't comment on, or share videos?

What are you waiting for?


Monday, December 15, 2008

Good friends give good tips ... and now I'm passing the torch

My very good friend Dominik commented on my yesterday's entry here (where I tried to somehow illuminate that this year's birthday has been the saddest of all 44 that I had).

Dominik liked David Sylvian's song DARKEST DREAMING, and he identified one of the instruments played there as an Armenian Duduk - being able so because another very good friend had passed the torch before, by showing Dominik the marvellous video that I now want to share here. Dominik linked it already in his comment, but I want top promote this video further.

It's a really worthy aftermath for yesterday's deep hollow in the dark valley that I have to cross currently.

So: Sit back, relax, put down everyday's chores and troubles aside for some moments and enjoy wonderful music ...

For further information about the Greek composer and musician Yanni (real name = Yiannis Hrysomallis), please go to the artist's website. And who wants to know more about the Duduk may go here.

Note: The picture in the video's thumbnail is NOT a Duduk :-)!

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Sunday, December 14th 2008

"He had the feeling that,
by losing his friend,
he had lost the most important thing
in his life.

Something that he never had known
how much he needed it,
before he found it - and that he now,
that obviously he had lost it,
could not imagine how to hold up without."

(source; chapter 7, with reference to chapter 4)

Stay tonight
We'll watch the full moon rising

Hold on tight
The sky is breaking

I don't ever want to be alone
With all my darkest dreaming

Hold me close
The sky is breaking

I don't ever want to be alone
With all my darkest dreaming

Hold me close
The sky is breaking


Friday, December 12, 2008

Remo Giazotto, ADAGIO IN G MINOR

... without words ...


The Adagio in G minor for violin, strings and organ continuo, is a neo-Baroque composition popularly attributed to the 18th-century Venetian master Tomaso Albinoni, but composed by the 20th-century musicologist and Albinoni biographer Remo Giazotto and based on the disputed discovery of a manuscript fragment from Albinoni.


The music of this video is featured on this CD,
which holds compositions by Tomaso Albioni
plus the piece "Adagio in G Minor", written by Remo Giazotti

The above version of the CD is available via Amazon.de
(= in Germany / Europe)

The lower link leads to Amazon.com
(= USA / World)



Thursday, December 11, 2008

Sir Rupert, the gay Knight

by thinkmorepink

This one goes very well with
the train of thoughts in

"A hair in the donut"
"Edit to (...)"

Enjoy :-)!



Edit on "A hair in the donut" - a look behind the props

I gave my last entry here some more thought, because somehow there still was more to it than the fact that people would throw away a whole and basically well-made and delicious donut after, well, okay, encountering something that was not edible, but which was a totally small fraction that did not do any harm per se and did not spoil the donut itself - instead of dealing with the situation in a more relaxed and constructive way.

My late grandma would have been furious with anyone who had thrown away the donut if something like the described thing had happened. She lived through the Second World War and knew what hunger was etc. etc.

But ... this is not what lies in a deeper layer of that train of thoughts that started in me yesterday morning. And yet, I had to detect and discover that myself. Happened when I brushed my teeth this morning. And has nothing whatsoever to do with dental hygiene. But I tend to get good ideas from out of the blue once in a while - while brushing my teeth.

So ... what popped to mind was that ...

If you see the donut incident in a more symbolical way, if you step a little further on / away, you can see it as a picture for how you see people.

What, if you like someone, if being together with him and being close to him does you good, if you have a picture of him that really goes well for you and feels good ... and then, all of a sudden and out of the blue, you discover something else there that does not fit into the pattern, that is something you somehow can't cope with - something that, in your eyes and perception, is "not part of" the being that you like or love?

The other one being the donut; the being together being represented by the eating (only as a symbol, and NOT in views and means of Hannibal Lecter, ta ta ...); and the unknown factor being represented by the hair - so much for the symbols.

So you discover something in the other person you can not get on board with. Definitely not. The rest of the person, you know how to deal with and love to do so, but this portion there is basically "inedible" for you.

Does such a thing, such a detail in a person's personality that you are not able to relate to, make the other one all of a sudden "inedible swill"? Are you not able any more to see the good that is he, that you like and love? The vast majority that is he?

I have friends who are fanatic sports fans. Soccer and all. Something that does absolutely NOTHING for me. But we get along very well, we're having fun and also good and intense conversations - sometimes even including soccer.

I have friends who are strongly rooted in Christian belief. I myself have a more freer view of things, finding good things in all religions I deal with. But we get along, exchanging ideas and spending fun time with each other.


Let's cut to the chase with that, shall we?

I was "a donut" to my parents. With all the above described attributes and dear relationship. Well, and some day, there turned out to be kind of "a hair" in that donut. Something that did not fit the picture. I was gay.

My parents had some hard time at first. But they made an effort to deal with it. They couldn't accept it at first. But: They tried and succeeded to make terms with the change of the situation, because they realized that this one point where I went into a different direction than the one they had, well, anticipated, didn't change what I was to them and to others in general. They made an effort to accept that, and they succeeded to do so.

I had not become something "inedible", a persona non grata, a "you're no son of mine any longer".

They didn't throw me away. And I am thankful for that.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

A hair in the donut - Edit: Now including explanatory video :-)!

Me? Talking about hair? Well, THAT could become a LONG story, you might think, concerning what length my own hair has :-) ...

Well, yes and no.

It just so happened that, during this morning's breakfast, I was eating a "Berliner" / "Krapfen", or, in English: A German kind of donut; the one without the hole in the middle - the sweetest of explanatory video follows at the end of this entry :-).

And in this donut, there was, apart from the usual filling with some red jam, also

... a hair.

A small souvenir from some unknown employee in the large bakery "Lechbäck" who had been working on the piece of basic yumminess I had chosen to be part of my early morning meal. A little free-of-charge extra, that had, unnoticed, fallen into the doe and, unwillingly, went on a voyage that ended in my mouth.

Yes, I can already sense some of you, in a disgusted and outraged tone, going like "Yuck!", and "Gross!", and "Go and demand your money back!"

You guys ...
No offense, but:

What's the fuzz?

I felt the hair in my mouth, removed it from there (it was only, at the most, one fifth of one of my hairs in length, so d'uh!), put it aside and then continued eating. The donut was as yummy as before, going excellently with the mug of coffee I had made, and I finished my breakfast unharmed.

What started me thinking was that I know quite a bunch of people who would have done nothing of the like!

Either they would have, at the very moment, reproduced the complete contents of their stomach from revulsion, or they would have at least screamed bloody murder, grabbed the receipt of their purchase at the bakery (still close at hand for such a case, of course) and would have made the life of the sales assistant there miserable, although this employee was not responsible for what had happened (= the hair in question not being hers!).

Really ...!

This incident, and the possible reactions it would provoke in those acquaintances of mine, is, in my view, symptomatic for what many of us do so often:

Making their lives miserable in their own account, by overrating the most minuscule of things that may go wrong, and overreacting in a way that you could think their lives are over or they had, at least, to go to war.

The list of those minor incidents that people tend to overreact to is as long as the Nile. And as useless as a leaden cube used for playing football.

There is so much of real importance to deal with ... so ...

Work on your priorities, and on your perspectives, guys.

I mean me, I mean you ... I mean all of us.

(((-: No offense :-)))


Okay, and now for the explanation on




Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Read info box text. Watch. And listen ... do listen!


A video for Alex
from his Mum Rhonda
YouTube user


From the video's info box text:

"(Kee-ar-ee) Malformation

My 8yr old son, has a rare disease called
Chiari Malformation.

Chairi Malformation is a serious neurological disorder where the bottom part of the brain, the cerebellum, descends out of the skull and crowds the spinal cord, putting pressure on both the brain and spine and causing many symptoms such as, painfull headaches in the back of the head, that increases in pain with straining or coughing, ringing in ears, painfull tingly sensations, and many other symptoms.

This video was originally made just for my son and our family during his stay at the hosptial for his decompression surgery. But i'm hoping that by uploading it, that I can help with awarness about this condition, that can be so misunderstood by many Dr's and patients, many people are still being misdiagnosed every year.

Please take the time to visit www.conquerchiari.org and educate yourself about Chairi/Syringomyelia even if you are not effected with it or not..

Knowledge is power :)

Thank you all"


Go to the above noted website for
more information about Chiari.

Additonal information (English)

Additional Information (German)


If you want to send a comment
to Alex
and his Mum Ronda,
please go to the video and do so.

Please, and thank you.


You aren't registered at YouTube yet
and therefore can't comment?

What are you waiting for?


Too much.

Yeah, well ... I didn't see that coming.

Two videos I saw yesterday evening, in direct succession, threw me off track completely. And the rest of the day was dark. Literally.

Don't get me wrong: Both videos are excellent and important. And the two people who posted them did a very good job with what they wanted to express. The respective messages are good, are more than necessary to be heard, and I am totally on board with and proud of these two people for what they did.

It were the repercussions and side effects that these videos had on me as an individual, and the connections to my past and my present that hit me like two freight trains in a row and drove all the wind out of me.


The videos I'm talking about are:
  • Kasapamese's latest video that she made in regard to World AIDS Day on December 1st, and that is a very good explanatory video about this dreadful topic - compact, but in depth, with the basic facts and the necessary messages ... and yet ...
  • "Parents Ruin Society Not Gay People" by YouTuber rOsewhip137 that I had already seen some time ago for the first time, and that impressed and moved me back then. I saw this video as a post in a blog I follow; I was impressed again, by the video itself and by the gesture the blogger had made by embedding it ... I was moved ... and yet ...


AIDS came up some time after I had had my coming out in the beginning of the 1980's and had finally managed to get along with what I was and what I wanted.

Enter: A disease that, back then, was labelled as the "Gay Disease", making the homosexual community all of a sudden the focus of a completely new spotlight of attention that was devastating on all accounts and really shook my whole world.

While watching Kasapamese's video, I remembered the famous / notorious edition of DER SPIEGEL from the year 1983 where AIDS was reported about publicly for the first time.

Back then, I was on my way to PE class in the afternoon and had just halted for a short moment to buy the latest SPIEGEL, as I did every week - and I was beside myself.

No, not shocked. Kind of numb.

Unable to do anything else before, sitting in my car, parking in front of the gymnasium, I had finished reading every last word of the (quite in depth) reports they had issued there.

The inner earthquake that shook me began already with each and every detail on the cover picture.

It was a negative. Although obviously used for aesthetic reasons, this processing of the picture created connotations that were crushing - two men, sharing intimacy, and the picture is a negative. The opposite of positive. Inverted ... twisted ... weird ...

... wrong.

The faces were cut off - gay sex obviously was something that was purely physical; no mind, no soul, heart or expression involved, no two male persons, individuals making love, but faceless studs that were making out.

And the place where the one guy's hand was touching was, obviously, the source of all evil, as the expanded microscopic picture of some ghostly-malevolently glowing germs / viruses / whatever demonstrated - death lurks here.

Dare to touch, and you're done for.

This cover motive already, together with the headline "Lethal Disease AIDS The mysterious Illness" had an effect on me like a massive punch in the belly. And after I had finished the articles, my whole self-esteem, my "gay pride", had been shattered to the very core.

A disease, exclusively for "us". Sexual intercourse as means of infection. No treatment, no cure.

The highway to hell.

All of this was more effective to kind of annihilate all sense for me, all meaning of life - more than any parental disapproval, any religious mumbo-jumbo or anti-gay "jokes" of a few of my fellow pupils (the more ape-like ones) would have inflicted on me.

I've had my share of these, no doubt. But I could cope with that, because I was sure of what I was and what I wanted, and I had lots of friends who accepted me for what I was, and, over the years back then, I had made first erotic and romantic experiences, and they had been wonderful.

All of that somehow ended that day when I read these articles; all my memories and my perspectives began to wither.

It was terrible. PE class that day saw me achieving not too much, although we were playing Badminton, which I loved and still love ...


All these memories came flooding back to me while watching Kasapamese's video. I wrote a comment on it, where, in condensed form, I sketched some of that; the 500 characters limitation preventing me from digging in too deep.


As we all know now (and for quite some time already), AIDS, the alleged "Gay Disease" is something that is not at all exclusive to gays. But ... does that take the terrible strain out of AIDS?

It doesn't.

AIDS is still, after 25 years that passed since this edition of DER SPIEGEL, some of the most violent and lethal threats to humankind. And research is being done, yes, and treatments / medications (to help at least prolong the life of infected people) are there.

But we also know that these treatments and medications are accessible only for a fraction of all men, women and children all over the world that are infected with AIDS - homosexuals and heterosexuals alike.

Basically, I should be over my trauma from back in 1983. Basically, I am. AIDS is not "God's" answer to "a problem" that needs to be "extinct" - AIDS hits all alike and no one is safe ...

... Poetic injustice.

But how could this thought soothe my devastation by the least bit?

I'm gay, yes. But first and foremost, I'm a human being.

And so my heart goes out to ALL my fellow human beings who have to suffer from a dreadful illness that (and this is the real shame and blow that still is alive and is burning in me!) research is BY FAR not done intensively enough, and results that lead to possible forms of treatment are NOT being delivered equally to all that are in dire need of them.

I don't want to go into details here. May it suffice to say that ...

... May it suffice.


The video that I discovered in the above stated blog also has a very personal connection to me. It relates to recent events that have tortured me over the past weeks. Dear reader of this blog, you really should watch the video. It is important.

The guy who posted it in his blog, by all means, did not intend to hit me with this. So much I know, of course. I hereby declare that I am deeply impressed by his fervent statement (that he illustrates with an excellent vlog). And I am deeply moved by the compassion and sentiment the blogger showed.

I got all that, and I really, really love him for that.

... and yet ...

The thoughts and connections that welled up, the direct link to my personal Ground Zero of late, the associations that came with a vengeance and that I could not stop ... All of that kicked me back into the Darkzone that I have been in for the better part of the past weeks and that I'm trying every day to stay out of.

The latter did not work out for the evening, and it took until way into the early morning hours that I was finally able to think of writing about it.

Which I now did.


My soul still hurts. A lot. And this will not change, until finally the situation will start to clear up. Any signs for that already? No. Nothing.

Well ... not entirely nothing.

One marvellous spark illuminated my Darkzone in the very early morning hours of November 21st. It was the first moment when I was able to breathe a bit more freely, and when happiness returned, albeit only for a brief moment.

This spark was overshadowed only minutes later that night. Big time.

But due to this spark, the shadow did not overwhelm me and bring me to react in a way that I would have deeply regretted the very same moment.

The light sufficed to prevent the worst ... The Fire of the Dragon was halted in its tracks - but only just.

The spark was strong enough to keep me going, feel better and not lose hope.

But as the basic situation has not changed, and the tension for me and someone I care about A LOT has still not dissolved yet, two mighty blows (that no one delivered!) in succession were enough. All ripped open again, and the Darkness was back.

Listening to and making music was a vital necessity again ...

(as it has been on other evenings and during nights when the whole situation was not only too much, but started to become somewhat life threatening. No joke intended here. All that numbs you ... )

... leaving the light on in my room here was no necessity - on the contrary.

Yesterday evening, when already being in the Darkzone, I was invited to a Skype conference call with two people that are very dear to me. But I couldn't. It was outrageous. I would have so loved to join them. It would have been so much fun ... But I couldn't. I'm sorry.

I did basically nothing that would be "normal" for a Saturday evening. Not even things that are normal for me.

My sincere and heartfelt apologies to everyone who I piss of these days, by acting weird (and not in a good way!) ... Again: I'm sorry.

My life has been intense in so many ways during these last weeks - with tremendously good things happening (the best!), but also with making me live through terrible times.

I should have been moving on, I suppose. But I'll see it through - like some kind of fool.

I still believe.

It indeed has become too much this evening. But I'm good again.

For now.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Too much?

Well, yesterday evening I had the situation that I was
  • text messaging on Skype with Kasapamese, including watching some videos, via links she sent me
  • receiving and answering an occasional message or video comment from / on YouTube, and watching some new videos from persons I have subscribed to, including commenting on them
  • being added by and then chatting with a new online friend from Ireland via my PS3
Basically, I was jumping to and fro between my living room, where the PS3 etc. is located, and my workplace. And there were actually things going on on all three of these communication channels.

It was multiple.
It was colourful.
It was enlightening.

It was hectic at times.
It was in bits and pieces, and with abbrevitations.
It was puzzling.


This "Threesome" lasted for some time.

Then Kaspamese had to go, and I focused on the guy from Ireland. And the messages from YouTube.

My new friend from Ireland and I chatted via the PS3, which means inputting text with the game controller. I'm pretty swift with that, and there I make even less typos, as you input character after character. My little Irish guy, 13 years of age (well, console gaming is for the young, and the young at heart!) was swifter, as he wrote in shorter sentences and used abbreviations from time to time. But we clicked very well, anyhow. After checking my YouTube channel, he said that I looked like 21. Oh my ... :-)!

This conversation lasted for several hours. I'm probably gonna chat with him again today.


And finally, in the dead of night, Dominik called on Skype, and we had a conversation which was ... well, it was a conversation with Dominik. Says it all.

It was multiple.
It was colourful.
It was enlightening.
It was funny.
It was intense.

It was ... the whole package.
No pun intended.



Well, to answer to the topic of this post:

No, it's not "too much". But it's much, indeed. It's multi-tasking, and of a kind that is very interesting, as it's connected with people. More and more people. Interesting people. People that deserve full attention, each one of them. Not only bits and pieces, and abbreviations.

As long as I can invest as much time, brains, heart and soul as each of these people deserves ...

... it's not too much.

So: I'm fine.

For now.

Let's get this started ... for now.

Okay, so the 21st century got me - again.

Blogging. Really?
Why? Dunno.
What? We'll see.
For who? Beats me.

I'll try. For now ...