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English: A key topic of this blog certainly is Bullying, and what can be done against it.
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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Edit on "A hair in the donut" - a look behind the props

I gave my last entry here some more thought, because somehow there still was more to it than the fact that people would throw away a whole and basically well-made and delicious donut after, well, okay, encountering something that was not edible, but which was a totally small fraction that did not do any harm per se and did not spoil the donut itself - instead of dealing with the situation in a more relaxed and constructive way.

My late grandma would have been furious with anyone who had thrown away the donut if something like the described thing had happened. She lived through the Second World War and knew what hunger was etc. etc.

But ... this is not what lies in a deeper layer of that train of thoughts that started in me yesterday morning. And yet, I had to detect and discover that myself. Happened when I brushed my teeth this morning. And has nothing whatsoever to do with dental hygiene. But I tend to get good ideas from out of the blue once in a while - while brushing my teeth.

So ... what popped to mind was that ...

If you see the donut incident in a more symbolical way, if you step a little further on / away, you can see it as a picture for how you see people.

What, if you like someone, if being together with him and being close to him does you good, if you have a picture of him that really goes well for you and feels good ... and then, all of a sudden and out of the blue, you discover something else there that does not fit into the pattern, that is something you somehow can't cope with - something that, in your eyes and perception, is "not part of" the being that you like or love?

The other one being the donut; the being together being represented by the eating (only as a symbol, and NOT in views and means of Hannibal Lecter, ta ta ...); and the unknown factor being represented by the hair - so much for the symbols.

So you discover something in the other person you can not get on board with. Definitely not. The rest of the person, you know how to deal with and love to do so, but this portion there is basically "inedible" for you.

Does such a thing, such a detail in a person's personality that you are not able to relate to, make the other one all of a sudden "inedible swill"? Are you not able any more to see the good that is he, that you like and love? The vast majority that is he?

I have friends who are fanatic sports fans. Soccer and all. Something that does absolutely NOTHING for me. But we get along very well, we're having fun and also good and intense conversations - sometimes even including soccer.

I have friends who are strongly rooted in Christian belief. I myself have a more freer view of things, finding good things in all religions I deal with. But we get along, exchanging ideas and spending fun time with each other.

...

Let's cut to the chase with that, shall we?

I was "a donut" to my parents. With all the above described attributes and dear relationship. Well, and some day, there turned out to be kind of "a hair" in that donut. Something that did not fit the picture. I was gay.

My parents had some hard time at first. But they made an effort to deal with it. They couldn't accept it at first. But: They tried and succeeded to make terms with the change of the situation, because they realized that this one point where I went into a different direction than the one they had, well, anticipated, didn't change what I was to them and to others in general. They made an effort to accept that, and they succeeded to do so.

I had not become something "inedible", a persona non grata, a "you're no son of mine any longer".

They didn't throw me away. And I am thankful for that.

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1 comment:

Sasa said...

Sometimes it's just a few words that makes the donut inedible or a little argument or a little disagreement. And you get thrown away. If this is just or not, it doesn't matter. It happens every day and every single one of us.
Sometimes it takes a bit more. I'm not sure what my father would do when I was gay. He wouldn't be happy, that's for sure. Would he throw me away?
What would it take for a mother to throw her daughter away? Minor flaws? Huge fights and arguments?
What would it take for me to throw the people I love away? What if I do that and then regret it? Can I pick them out of the bin? And will that relationship still taste the same?